Bloodsucking Shiteaters

Upon arrival to Korea I was introduced to some grody-ass toilets that triggered this epic rantalysis. Little did I know then the true horrors that were in store for me every time I step into a 화장실. At this point bathroom bitching is so yesterday, but you guys, this last week it has a reached a new level of filthy disgusting awfulness.

why hello! sit down on me!

The temperatures are getting higher and the humidity is climbing its ever oppresive way to unbearable and so the bathrooms have mutated from frigid, dirty puddles of horror to damp, malodorous bogs of all that is nasty and vile in this world. There’s an inch of water on the floor, toilet paper strewn about, dirty mops hanging out in the wash basin. Everything is wet; it can be best described as “swampy”. I would be absolutely livid if I were a parent and discovered that my child played unsupervised in Satan’s rectum. I just can’t understand how any part of the school is allowed to exist in such an unsanitary state. I mean, isn’t this how disease is born and spread? Hasn’t Korea heard of the Middle Ages? What is everyone thinking!?


I haven’t even mentioned the smell, which is like if you took the content of 100 port-o-potties at a Chili Eating Contest and put it in a microwave, then captured the shit-smelling steam and released it into an already wet and disgusting closet. But what does one expect when children leave poopy toilet paper in wastebaskets and on the floor? When kimchi turds are left floating for hours because flushing is a challenge? There are days when I can smell the bathroom from halfway down the hall. Those are the days that I weep. These bathrooms could not be more offensive.

*Enter the Mosquito*

cuntseta bastardeolata

Oh wretched mosquito, how I loathe you! In my very own bed, you bit the shit out of my arms and face and eyelids all last fall. But not this time. Nay! I will not serve as your snack any longer! I traded eleven thousand won for freedom from itching in the form of chemical air freshener. No more smashing your guts only to find my white wall smeared with my very own blood! No more suffering your buzzy taunts when the lights are off, only to find myself in a twisted game of hide and seek when I get all the way out of my bed to turn the lights back on! Tis over!  I  have seen the last of your ugly proboscis.

an inch of water you can’t see

Or so I believed. Oh what a fool! Now you inhabit the bathrooms at my place of work. Flocks of you, floating in through the open windows and hovering around the swampy floor. You laze about with your fly friends, drinking from the dirty puddles of water and urine and probably fecal matter. I know why you’re there. I know what you are waiting for: that moment when I drop trou and my fleshy bare ass is exposed for your feasting pleasure. You son of a bitch. You have single-handedly managed to take the bathroom horror to a terrifying new level. You are disgusting and I hate you.

what. the. fuck.

couldn’t capture the swamp, my flash kept reflecting off of it.

The only thing worse than having to use a bathroom in my visiting school is Nothing. Nothing is worse than it. All that’s keeping me going is I only have to return to that school 22 more days. A mere three weeks of holding my pee all day and risking severe bladder infection so as not have to enter those fetid stalls. 22 more days.

2 responses to “Bloodsucking Shiteaters

  1. You could drink less water so you can be dehydrated like the rest of Korea….

    I’m so helpful! ^.^ !!!

  2. ok so… this is the second blog I’ve read of yours…. and it’s so funny how true these things are…
    If this might freak you out more… don’t EVER EVER watch the janitors clean! I went to Yonsei on exchange and watched the cleaning ajummas with their pink gloves picking the shit paper out the trash, and then with the same gloved hands wiping down faucets and handrails and benches – spreading germs to every single surface. Middle ages? Yeah, for real… you named it!

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