BREAKING NEWS: Your favorite internet journalists are back, Readers, and we’re hungry for truth. Hungry….for donuts. First, we brought you the word on Korean gas station triangle food, now we’ve shifted our focus to circles. Specifically, the circles of the oddly prolific chain Dunkin Donuts. How did these American tongues react to Korean twists on classic pastries? How did they manage to eat this many donuts? How did they cope with surprising fillings? This and so much more, below!
For your convenience, donuts were rated on a .5-5 chopsticks scale.
1. TOMATO & CARROT WHEAT GLAZED DONUT
Megan Says: Get your f-ing parsley flakes off my donut. Worse than I thought. Never again. No chopsticks.
Erin Says: This falls right in line with the pan-Korean tendency to make something any Westerner would assume to be savory, sickly sweet. The smell as it approaches your mouth is real bad too.
2. OLIVE CHEWISTY
Megan Says: This is just Daak dressed as a donut. Aniyo.
Erin Says: I can’t figure out what “olive” means in Konglish. Because there is nothing olive-y about this. In fact, if it tasted like olives or anything at all, it would be vastly improved.
3. TOFU DONUT
Megan Says: Why try making a donut healthier?
Erin Says: Why try making a donut from something that tastes like nothing?
4. CAPPUCINO CHEWISTY
Megan Says: Incrementally more interesting. Texture is still off. Tastes the way crappy coffee shops smell.
Erin Says: Actually tastes like coffee, but is so weird and chewy I can’t imagine putting another bite in my mouth.
5 . BANANA
Megan Says: I can think of nothing good banana-flavored. This is acceptable. I was mostly drawn to its looks.
.Erin Says: Whoa. Off-putting banana jelly aside, tastes surprisingly good!
6. GLUTINOUS RICE STICK
Megan Says: Dunkin Donuts is a traitor for putting so much rice in stuff! Theoretically, chewiness should be nice. But it’s not. PS: Most unappetizing name ever.
Erin Says: Blah! Even sesame seeds can’t save you from your tastelessness.
7. RED BEAN & WALNUT DONUT
Megan Says: Stop putting beans in everything, Asia! Suuuuper heavy. And it looks like ….
Erin Says: I feel like I’m only tasting glaze on all these ricey donuts. There’s no actual taste! TASTE LIKE SOMETHING DAMMIT.
8. CREAM CHEESE HOLIC RING
Megan Says: Glaze makes this funky cream cheese taste like mayonnaise. A mayonnaise filled donut. No. Thank. You.
Erin Says: Not terrible….but not cheese. What is it? Why is it so hard? Why do we keep using “holic” like it’s a real suffix?
9. CREAM CHEESE SQUARE
Megan Says: It’s hip to be square! The best donut of the test! Like a REAL donut.
Erin Says: Definitely the favorite! The cheese jelly stuff is weird and confusing at first, but it’s made of NOT RICE and it’s fluffy and salty like a home donut! Plus, no glaze. Hurray!
WRECKAGE & DEFEATAfter the diabetic comas wore off, your faithful journalists came to a conclusion they had already suspected: they’re donut-filled youths did not prepare them well for Eastern alterations to the classic pastries. Rice flour does not a donut make, but some dense, chewy, bland thing that need be dipped in syrup to stimulate tastebuds. So, should you find yourself in Korea, should you find yourself in a Dunkin Donuts, should you find yourself compelled to try the local donut fair, RESIST. Opt for the classic Boston Creme, the Bear Claw, or the faithful Glazed. In this case, do not take the road less traveled.