One Douchebag, Three Outbursts

I am a notorious coward when it comes to quitting jobs. I blame the Catholic upbringing. I feel guilty about things like eating (but not drinking) and definitely about disappointing employers (but not about hating them passionately).

My last job was a gig as a secretary. That job juiced my soul right out of me, pureed it with some ice and tequila, tossed a paper umbrella in it and forced me to serve it on a golden platter to my boss, who then declared it unfit to drink, took a crap in it and threw it on my face. (GRR, VISCERAL IMAGERY!)  Soulless and spiteful as I was, I had to psych myself up to actually approach my terrifying boss and drop the news that I was moving to another continent. I had two months in which to do this. The pep talk I gave myself took the entire two months. At it’s conclusion I stood outside my boss’s office door.

Erin: Hey….can I talk to you for a minute?

Angry Boss: No. Busy.

Erin: I’M MOVING TO ASIA IN TWO WEEKS.

Then I ran back to my desk and hyperventilated.

Since the 6 month mark back in February, I’ve steadily filled with resignation-related dread. At some point, I was going to have to tell both my schools I wouldn’t be returning after summer vacation. Twice! Twice I would have to say the dreaded words and listen to people try and change my mind and witness the bruised displays of emotions my principals would put on. The horror! The guuuuiiilllltttt! So it’s been on my mind. So much so that now I have already prematurely spilled the beans to two coteachers.I am a special kind of ninja douchebag.

SCHOOL 1

Coteacher: Hey, I got this email about free Korean classes.

Erin: Uh. Urgh. Huurrr.

Coteacher: You will study?

Erin:I’MNOTRENEWINGMYCONTRACTIWONTBEHERENEXTYEARgpwij[nbmmhnejh[dmg[.

Coteacher: …What?

Erin: Goodbye.

SCHOOL 2

Coteacher: We have special open class.

Erin: Oh yeah? When?

Coteacher: Hmm..maybe second semester?

Erin: Hurr. Err Durrr.

Coteacher: Maybe November? (waving calendar) When is best?

Erin: Durr.  Hurrr. Um.

Coteacher: Which grade is best?

Erin: Oh, fourth grade for sure. But.

Coteacher: Yes?

Erin:But…DONTHINKIMRENEWINGMYCONTRACTSOIWONTBEHERENEXTSEMESTERRRiojmpfigbspin [womginjw

Coteacher: No. You must stay. <grabs my hand, pleads with eyeballs>

Erin: GUILT.

The good news is, I quit my jobs 4 months early this time.

8 responses to “One Douchebag, Three Outbursts

  1. L. O. L. So hard.
    I’m personally dreading and procrastinating about the opposite conversation with my family. I may be making some of the same sounds. Or perhaps just hiding below the vision of my webcam for a bit.

  2. Also, wtf happened to “By the way, we have open class tomorrow. Prepare something”??? What’s this next semester shit?

  3. What are you doing next?

    • I just don’t know Grips. Let me know of any potentially awesome job openings in the Bay Area, won’t you?

  4. You can always come work with our lovely, assaultive and always troubled teens at Seneca!

    Assaultive ain’t a word, eh spell check? Whatever.

  5. lol. I’m obviously reading this a little late. Enjoying your blog. Just moved to Busan a couple of weeks ago. Don’t feel like too much of a puss, I hyperventilated quitting my job in the states. My boss thought it was b/c I was so stressed about the move so basically just let me do what I wanted for 2 weeks. Sweet!

  6. Pingback: Something In The Way She Moves | Heart of Snarkness

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