Monthly Archives: April 2011

Shame Search Illustrated

Writing this blog has been an extremely rewarding experience for so many reasons, but the most unexpected has been the daily results of Search Engine Terms. On WordPress you can see what kinds of searches lead someone to your blog and how many views you get from it. Some of our top hits are “beard”, “karaoke” and “chihuahua”. A few pretty obscure phrases have worked their way in, like “hyperbola magick” and “pissing on new beligum”. But about once a week there is a super crazy, totally ridiculous, GOD I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR AND WHY term that appears on the list.

We have decided to share a few of these choice phrases with you in the form of silly cartoons. Don’t think about these too hard.

"choke dat hoe"

"swiss cheese on toilet"

"big cock n balls cut off with scissors"

Imma Set It Straight, This Watergate

My coteacher is undermining me. This is not Euna, the tiny, terrifying ball of badassery, but someone we will refer to as B. What you need to know about B: he had never taught a day in his life prior to mid-March, nor does he speak English. Likes: picking lint off his suit. Dislikes: Me.

I cannot figure out why we were paired together to teach young children English when we can’t even communicate with each other. (I reserve the right to punch the balls off the authority figures responsible.) In our first week of teaching together, I tried a few questions to get him to open up.

Me: So did you always want to be an English teacher?

B: No.

Me: Ha. Um.

B: <scowling at sidewalk> I have no skills. I am English teacher.

I then tried to decide if this comment was directed at me. He is Korean (thus, incapable of sarcasm or direct insults), so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. However, now that we’re over a month into the semester it is increasingly clear that B’s entire purpose is to undermine my every move and push me toward a psychological break. At first I chocked these incidents up to the language barrier, than to simple stupidity. But the trouble is too persistent…his attitude too sinister…he is here to destroy me.

Continue reading

Shitty Teacher

One of my 5th grade vocab words this week is “city”, which seems pretty benign right? Except that in the Korean language the sound “see/si” does not exist. When an “s” or “x” or soft “c” sound is followed by a short “i” or a long “e”  sound, they automatically throw an “h” in the middle. Seat is sheet. Mexico is Mek-shee-ko. Can you see where this is going?

<Begin today’s  Bingo game.>

Student #1: Towah.

Me: TOWER.

Student #2: Pickauneek.

Me: PICNIC.

Student #3: Shitty.

Me: <pause> What?

Student #3: Shiiittttty.

Me: <pause longer> Wh-shi—ah! CITY.

Guys, it’s really hard not to laugh at this. Like really, really hard. And it’s even harder when you remember the South Park City Wok Guy. I should feel bad about this (I once heard that South Park can be slightly offensive??), but I’m an asshole so I don’t. Also, I shouldn’t laugh at my students, but I’m a shitty teacher so I do.

Update: Englishee

Remember this: Englishee? Erin’s awesome analysis of the comicality that is the Korean English Notebook?

B) Something must be smiling. Not a person. Photoshop as necessary

I’ve scared up a few more notebooks to add to the collection. Continue reading

Update: Biography: The Life and Times of Our Washing Machine

Remember this: Washing Machine Douche Baggotry?

Last week one of my coteachers asked for five minutes at the beginning of class to take care of some admin stuff that needed to be explained in Korean. That she formerly requested this time was laughable because a.) I’m not in charge of anything enough to say, “Yeah, no, I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s possible today,” and b.) I’m incredibly lazy and OF COURSE want something/anything to eat up five minutes of class. Makes my job easier, duh.

Anyway she filled the time by talking at the kids solemnly for four minutes and then passing around some small stickers that were from Office of Ed. It wasn’t a fun sticker, rather it looked like a single sentence written in both Korean and English that they were instructed to affix to a page in the back of their text books. I was a little curious at first, but it taxes this coteacher to explain things to me and this didn’t seem like a situation worth the hassle, so I ignored it and went about my day.

This week I sat at the computer with my Awesome-O coteacher lamenting our date with the Washing Machine when she whipped out a page of those same super boring mystery stickers.  “Look!” she said, “This is for English textbook, for Washing Machine story!”

I*#%@(*% &@!

She proceeded to explain that the publishers of the textbook had failed to credit the Washing Machine Story’s author and in a very serious effort to rectify the situation, they distributed these stickers with his name to be added to the contributor’s page.

If I were responsible for this anathema  I would do everything in my power to make sure that my involvement was kept absolutely Top Secret. That said, only someone as douchey as the Washing Machine story itself would make a big fuss about recognition for said douchery. DOUCHE.

We Love You Long Time

This, friends, is The Wanderlust Diary’s 100th post. WOOOOOHOO! Now, this might not mean much to you (except that you’ve had to change your pants 100 times because you peed yourself laughing), but Megan and I are the sort of people who get an idea, get really excited about it, drink a bottle of champagne to celebrate it, then decide it’s too hard. Follow thru, not for the faint of heart. So this here blog is something of an achievement for two people who can’t finish a head of lettuce before it starts to liquify in the crisper.

To celebrate, I’ve made you a list of 100 best things you should know about Korea…

Continue reading

Good Riddance

To start this week I could write you a lovely story about my weekend spent outside in gorgeous Gwangju, drinking beer and feeling pretty positive about life in general. It’s been beautiful here lately, which is both wonderful and confusing. Amazing weather, happy students and activities every weekend until August make it hard to understand why I would leave. I know that I don’t belong here another year, but right now I’m blinded by the spring sunshine. In order to balance the scale of my emotions, I have to really focus on the mundane reasons that, considered collectively, remind me why I’m out in four months. Thus, in no particular order, here are five things right off the top of my head that I will not miss about Korea. Continue reading