Graphic Content

Anyeong Haseyo! Guess who’s back from Europe? Look what I did:

And nourished shall be thy body,dessicated by the scorching inferno of temperance

that, AND I wrote like 400 more words on my novel (coming in 2035 – a labor of agonizing love and chock full o’ genius), AND kept constantly reminding my old bosom buddy Hayes that living in Korea is way harder than living in France and that he should move that bottle of wine closer to the couch so I don’t have to get up because I’m on vacation and I’ve been living in Korea. Oh, and did he think he could drive me to the store for more wine? Because I started drinking wine at 11 am and might run out before dinner.  Whatever Hayes. Shut up. I usually live in Korea. For like four months now I usually live in Korea. My life is hard and burdened and totally cool. So totally cooler than your stupid life. In Europe. Which I also secretly want.

Pretty much any complaint/observation Hayes made about his new life situation elicited the same knee-jerk response from me: It is harder to live in Korea than France, therefore your discomfort is invalid and I’m better than you.

I can’t decide if this illustrates my natural fondness of pissing contests or some reaction that occurs when you encounter another American abroad. But I think there is a kind of currency to where one lives, when one chooses to live abroad. I have made a graph to illustrate my point. (Erins = Units of Cool. Look it up.)

See it in all it’s professional glory (and larger!) here.

So, supposing you’re an English-speaking American like myself, living in the States starts you out at 0. Then, as you get further away from other English-speaking Americans, and further from what one might consider a “safe” place with few repulsive diseases or the threat of frostbite/trench foot, the more Erins you acquire. So like, the most socially impressive place you can live is, short of the moon, on a remote volcanic island, unpopulated save for plague-harboring rodents which you are forced to hunt and eat.

Of course this is partially in jest, but there’s something to studying the question Why Do We Go Where We Go? And why do I think Cappadocia > Minnesota? Or Korea > France?  Look deeper into your black, withered hearts, Readers, and tell me that there isn’t a sliver of you that doesn’t travel for bragging rights. That doesn’t look forward to that first conversation whenever you might make it back home to say to some stranger, “Oh, I’ve just been spending the last year abroad. In Asia. What have you done lately?”

8 responses to “Graphic Content

  1. You, for some odd reason, may consider Korea > France && Switzerland. However, I think you for-fucking-get that I work on the most powerful particle collider in the history of the HUMAN FUCKING RACE.

  2. LOL Canada= -8. I have tons of Canuck friends, but I can’t help but feel like Canada is a redheaded step child that I just want to kick around 🙂

  3. As a Canadian, I must feel perpetually put-upon by you, your nation, and your countrymen. Do you not see how this bar-graph oppresses my gentle, maple syrup-swilling people?

  4. As my country’s hat, you would do well to remain silent, in your place, and continue to protect my people’s lands from bitter arctic winds. You are doing an excellent job as our cold-weather buffer state.

    cheap digs aside, my country, Nay! the whole world, will forever be indebted to you for two things: Arcade Fire and poutine.

    Don’t ever lose your hold on Quebec, greater Canada.

  5. As my country’s pants, you are defending us well from… uh… what’s stereotypically unpleasant about your country? How cold is it in Gwangju? Incheon is currently rivalling my great homeland in terms of frigidity, I wonder if you also get to experience same.

    Oh, we know. It’s what I still lord over my yankee friends.

    • I just need to butt in for a sec:


      Also, I love hockey. Which means I ❤ Canada despite its hat status. There. I said it.

  6. PS: Discovered an ugly rumor around my school that I’m a filthy Canadian.

    I am humbled by the karmic justice of it all.

  7. By the same token, the Koreans I speak to do not understand my facial expression when they refer to me as, “My first American friend!”

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