Expletive Omitted

Prologue: Hey, you still have that grain of salt from last time? Good. I didn’t know whether your delicate sensibilities could handle this or not, dear readers, but then I noticed the one and only Google search that brought any traffic to this blog was for “Shit Fish” – I’m serious – and I decided that you were the right kind of people. I salute you, Shit Fish Searcher. Read on if you aren’t easily offended by words.

I’m sure this comes as a total shock to you, but I’m not exactly the ladylike type. In person, I can be a little abrasive, a little foul-mouthed. (I used to commit particularly creative cursing patterns to memory. Pretty much anything I heard on “Deadwood” or anything from Hunter S. Thompson’s* oeuvre.) I have no problem telling you that I possess a vast and glorious vocabulary (Master’s Degree in English, bitches. See how I used the word “oeuvre” up there?) and that swearing is the salt & pepper of my discourse – gives it flavor and intrigue and a musicality quite pleasing to the ear, if one is open-minded.

I am stunted, however, by the social pressures of Korea and my unique situation here to be a polite foreigner, a demure woman, a respectable teacher and an outright friendly individual. In short, the daughter my parents always wanted, and everything I actively tried not to be since adolescence.It is killing me, this ban on my full range of expression. Because I still want the general emotion and intensity of what I’m saying to get across in everyday conversation, only I have to G-rate it and knock it down to its lowest common English denominator. So here. I give you a sampling of my alternatives to swearing in Korea:

“Balls.Alternatively, (and I credit Megan for this one): “That sucks huge donkey balls.

  • The Solution: “Well, shoot!”, “Darn it!

“Shut the fuck up

  • The Solution: = “Shhh.(Do you see?? Do you see what I’m working with here?!!)

“Fuck off.

  • The Solution: “Go home”, “Leave Erin Teacher alone.

“Bitch, please.

  • The Solution: “You are being silly.

“This is some straight-up rancid bullshit right here.Or: “You have got to be shitting me.

  • The Solution: “This is silly – stop it.

“What an unbelievable cock/prick/rat bastard/son of a bitch/dick/douchebag/motherfucker.

  • The Solution: “He/she is silly.“I do not like him/her.

“Christ on a fucking cross, what is the goddamn problem asshole?

  • The Solution: Unsolved. Attempt to communicate this sentiment with eyeballs alone.

“Fuck you in your stupid shiteating mouth, you whore.

  • The solution: “You are in trouble.
Censorship? Never heard of it. Something they make for pussies, maybe?

*To further prove my point here, the decency-checker thing on my work computer will not allow me to search for Hunter S. Thompson quotes undoubtedly because they are littered with colorful adult expressions. My 1st Amendment – give it back!

3 responses to “Expletive Omitted

  1. Thank you for writing one of the best blog posts I have read on an honest experience in travel. I was laughing my ass off causing co-workers to stare. “I told them to stop being silly.”

  2. The thought of you using the word “silly” with any frequency causes me to simultaneously laugh at the absurdity and cry at the shame.

    Also, what the fuck does Don Draper have to do with any of this?

  3. It’s upsetting, right?? I’m at a loss for other substitutions. Anything remotely interesting just receives confusion. sigh.

    Also, pictures of Don Draper are the closest thing I can find that express my own emotions on these topics, ie: disdain and super sexiness. The Draper stays on the blog!

    (really, i’m just trying to get people used to his presence here, so one day i can pull out the mega-super sad Don Draper. http://saddondraper.tumblr.com/)

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