Prologue: Hey, you still have that grain of salt from last time? Good. I didn’t know whether your delicate sensibilities could handle this or not, dear readers, but then I noticed the one and only Google search that brought any traffic to this blog was for “Shit Fish” – I’m serious – and I decided that you were the right kind of people. I salute you, Shit Fish Searcher. Read on if you aren’t easily offended by words.
I’m sure this comes as a total shock to you, but I’m not exactly the ladylike type. In person, I can be a little abrasive, a little foul-mouthed. (I used to commit particularly creative cursing patterns to memory. Pretty much anything I heard on “Deadwood” or anything from Hunter S. Thompson’s* oeuvre.) I have no problem telling you that I possess a vast and glorious vocabulary (Master’s Degree in English, bitches. See how I used the word “oeuvre” up there?) and that swearing is the salt & pepper of my discourse – gives it flavor and intrigue and a musicality quite pleasing to the ear, if one is open-minded.
I am stunted, however, by the social pressures of Korea and my unique situation here to be a polite foreigner, a demure woman, a respectable teacher and an outright friendly individual. In short, the daughter my parents always wanted, and everything I actively tried not to be since adolescence.It is killing me, this ban on my full range of expression. Because I still want the general emotion and intensity of what I’m saying to get across in everyday conversation, only I have to G-rate it and knock it down to its lowest common English denominator. So here. I give you a sampling of my alternatives to swearing in Korea:
“Balls.” Alternatively, (and I credit Megan for this one): “That sucks huge donkey balls.”
- The Solution: “Well, shoot!”, “Darn it!”
“Shut the fuck up”
- The Solution: = “Shhh.” (Do you see?? Do you see what I’m working with here?!!)
- The Solution: “Go home”, “Leave Erin Teacher alone.”
- The Solution: “You are being silly.”
“This is some straight-up rancid bullshit right here.” Or: “You have got to be shitting me.”
- The Solution: “This is silly – stop it.”
“What an unbelievable cock/prick/rat bastard/son of a bitch/dick/douchebag/motherfucker.”
- The Solution: “He/she is silly.” “I do not like him/her.”
“Christ on a fucking cross, what is the goddamn problem asshole?”
- The Solution: Unsolved. Attempt to communicate this sentiment with eyeballs alone.
“Fuck you in your stupid shiteating mouth, you whore.”
- The solution: “You are in trouble.”
*To further prove my point here, the decency-checker thing on my work computer will not allow me to search for Hunter S. Thompson quotes undoubtedly because they are littered with colorful adult expressions. My 1st Amendment – give it back!