A stroll down a Korean sidewalk…or 20 minutes inside my head

Argh, can’t you see me? Can’t you see me almost running into the pole there because you aren’t moving over?? Damn it! You have the whole sidewalk COME ON!!

Hi Korean dog! Aww..Korean dog, you look so sad–hey wait, no. Don’t follow me.  Not gonna to feed you my chicken nuggets, Korean dog. I know they smell delicious. Aw, but then you’d be my Korean friend. My only Korean friend. Aw –oh, bye dog!

Mm. Nice flower smell. Yum.

ARGH!@&*@$@ Sidestreet! Fastcar! Why don’t they ever stop? Wonder if they release the number of pedestrian deaths in this country. Sweet innocent American English teacher run down by careless maniac driver.

Move to the right, Korean. Move. Mooooooooove. Damn it Korean.  Why such a deliberate left?! That’s wrong. You’re doing it wrong.

Can I help you? Oh, you’d like to look at my boobs? Unfamiliar huh? I dare you to look back at my eyes. Dare you! Yeah…that’s what I thought ajumma.

Aw, another sad Korean dog.  Aw little mangy dog. Don’t follow me mangy dog. Hey look, some trash for you dog!

Ew, fish smell. Gag-rotten fish smell. Oh god, bad baaad fish smell. Don’t breathe, don’t breathe, not yet, ten more steps.  Eight more. Five…

Stop staring in my grocery bag Korean! It’s groceries JUST LIKE YOU BUY. Damn it what?! I can see you craning your neck! You are not invisible. Stop staring! Hope you run into something because you aren’t looking where you’re supposed to.

Aw, oh poor little Korean dog on a leash.  Aww dog your hair is dyed so orange. Poor dog.  No dignity. Poor Korean dog.

AH&*#Q@! Fuckin cobblestone. You are going to break your teeth, Megan. Don’t look up. Watch your — FUCK! Motorbikes are for the STREET.  Not the sidewalk. “HEY!” – yeah I said that at you Korean.  Yes, you.  Run into me with your delivery bike.  Stupid. I’ll talk at you in English. I know you know what you did.

Oooh, pizza! I wish I could order a pizza. Or even say pizza. Cheese. Mm… cheesy pizza cheese. Seems highly unfair that there’s a Domino’s here but I still can’t getta pizza.  Mmm. Pepperoni and ch–KOREAN! AM I INVISIBLE!? You can’t just step out of doorways without looking if someone’s coming!! Why?! Why has no one taught you this…Not gonna teach kids English anymore.  Gonna teach ’em how to walk in the street.

Haha. Korean man purse.

Hey, no rain. Nooooo. Balllls. That’s not in the forecast. Argh. DAMN IT KOREA! Don’t make me buy a fourth umbrella Korea. Don’t do it. Don’t. Pleeeease just wait like twenty more minutes please??

Mm. That pretty floral smell again. I love that smell. Why can’t I ever see anything plantlike producing it? Is it synthetic? Where does it come from? I have to ask someone. I always say that but I really do. Mmm. So nice.

Gr. Stop light. Waiting. Waiiiiiiiiiiiiting. What Korean? Whaaaaat?? I see you staring, yes.  That’s right, look away.  Not in my bag!! Bah. I’m like a goddamn zoo animal. Man, fuckin..livin in Korea.

Stoplight stiiiiiill. Bah. Three whole minutes. Three. 180 seconds.  That’s seriously forever to wait for a light. Seriously. Foreeeeever. No where else in the woooorld…gah! People probably die waiting at stoplights here.  Another ajumma dead from waiting.

Waiiiiting. Waiting. Waiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiting. Green! Woohoo! HEY CAR – NOT YOUR TURN!!!! Do you see me?!?! DO YOU SEE ME crossing when it’s my turn?? Hey!! Look at me!! Not what’s in my bag!!!

Phone store.  So many employees.

@*($!!! Argh! Almost went down that time. Holy shit.  Watch your feet Megan or you are going to die. You don’t know how to say “I need new teeth” in Korean.  Watch your step. Repeat. Watch your step.  Watch your step.

Nother phone store.  One, two, three…four employees.  No customers.  What do they do all day? How much do they get paid for this?

Hey, move over Korean. Moooooooooooove. Seriously come on. I don’t get it. Korean: If we collide, you will go down.  Can’t you see that?? Aren’t you afraid of that? I’m twice your size.  It’s just physics!  Simple common sense physics.  People need to watch some football or something. Fearless fuckers.

Why do I bother trying to cover any trace of cleavage??? They stare either way. At least I could wear more of my wardrobe if I just said fuck it. Need to start charging money for this nonsense. I could be rich.  “Ladies and Gentleman! 1000W to see the BIGGEST BREASTS in all the land!!!!” $$Cha-ching!

Nother phone store again. Only two employees. Still doing nothing. Must study Korean economics. Different laws of supply and demand.

Argh. Stupid liiiiiight. Waaaaaambulance. Whose turn is it? Did I just miss the cross. DAAAAAAAMN IT. Oh hey!! Pet store! Awwww. I like puppies. Cats in a cage. Nothing more pissed off than cats in a cage. Wouldn’t go near those cats. “Hi puppies! Hi!!” Aw yes, I hear you barking back at me. Cuuute puppies.  Ohhh nooo. Don’t paint the puppies’ hair. I’m so sorry puppies.

Ha. Nother Korean man purse. Fancy.

Hey — wait–is that a white person? I mean, a caucasian? (See, I’m not racist).  Is it? Hey is that a caucasian I know? Hey foreigner, do I — nope, don’t know you. That’s cool.  Whatchu doin in the Ju foo? Haha. I’m funny.

And another deliberate left! Why do you insist on hugging the inside!? It’s wrong damn it! Who taught you that???? Someone is teaching these people wrong.  Is there some secret advantage to this?

Whisky Bar.  LIAR.

Oooh! Pretty plant smell again. Where is it?! Where is it coming from?? So niiice. Must ask someone about that smell.

Haha. Korean beard.  Never see a Korean with a beard.  Good for you fool. Hairy people are sex gods here. Hahahahahahahahahaahaha…hairy sex gods. Hahaha.

Rickshaw. HAHAHAHA. Oh yeah! You’re in Asia.

Noooo rain. Pleeeeeeeease just like…7 more minutes pleeeeease. Spitting is okay. I can deal with that. Let’s compromise.  Just a teeny bit of rain Korea k?

What Korean? What? WHAAAT? Are you looking at? SEE! It doesn’t even help if you stare them back in the eye. They just move their eyes from your face to some other part of your person.

Almost hooooome. Three more blocks.

Hi cat. God your head is small cat. Like a tennis ball (Let’s play tennis!). Are you Asian sized? Or malnourished? There is so much fish to be had cat! Your dumpster diving skills must be subpar. Oh wait, there are no dumpsters here. Your ability to recognize trash/food in the street must be subpar.  Feed yo’self little cat.

Hey! HEY I SAID YOU THERE IN THAT CAR.  This is a freaking narrow ass street and you are driving at me and not watching where you are goi-hey! Quit looking in my bag god damn it!!!!!!

#*@*(@Q! Home. Just wanna be home.  Hoooome there it is. Home!

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