I find myself in the foulest of foul moods today, and for absolutely no good fucking reason. I mean, it’s always hard to justify firing expletives at a wonky desk drawer while you hide the tears and snot that are leaking from your face, totally unprovoked. But today, especially, there is nothing that should be causing this sort of emotional hemorrhaging. It was gonna be a good day.
I can almost pinpoint when things went terribly wrong. It was some harmless a.m. Facebook browsing (Facebook is the fucking devil) that led to this gravity-defying mood swing. Sometimes seeing everyone else’s glamorous globe-trotting lives is enough to make me start eying the letter opener with the most morbid of intentions.
For the first time in all of this “I’m leaving the country!” talk, I noticed that there is something I am running from. So far, I had viewed this trip as an effort at ‘finding something’. Self. Direction. Love. God. Purpose. You know, good stuff. It hadn’t occurred to me that there was stuff I was trying to get away from.
But I guess part of this process is being completely honest with myself, and the truth is that some shit happened in the past two years that changed me as a person, and probably not for the better. I’m still not over it and it’s causing a serious mutation of my personality, a Jekyll – Hyde sort of syndrome that brings out the most hideous and shameful behaviors. A lot of it now has to do with my own general unhappiness, but I maintain that the way I was treated was mostly undeserved. I was deeply wounded and things still aren’t healing right.
When I was still in the middle of it all, I tried my hardest to confront it. In fact, I was the one in the relationship who was willing to face the problems and try to work them out. But I was thwarted at every single fucking step and the only option left was to start building walls in order to protect myself.
And so I embraced barriers. No more hanging out, no more talking, no more living in the same place, no more mentioning it at all. My aim was to do this as maturely as possible, without ‘blocking’ e-mails, un-friending on social network sites or putting awkward conditions on other friendships. But still this thing in my life continues to be toxic and cancerous. Now I’m afraid that if I don’t entirely remove it, cut it out in every way possible, it’s just going to keep festering and infecting me.
So this morning I find myself on Facebook, seething bitterness and resenting other people’s fortune , then wondering how I can permanently and completely delete someone. I wish to pull this one thread out without fucking up the entire delicate tapestry that is my social life, and then I start thinking maybe it’s worth ruining every other relationship I have just to escape this rotting, dead one. Those are dire and desperate thoughts, friends.
I suppose that’s where South America comes in. It’s a slower and gentler way of removing the thread. I can untie things instead of doing irrevocable damage with a pair of scissors. I can create a new happier me and a new fascinatingly awesome life and when I come back maybe this one ugly thread will have blended so thoroughly with the rest that it won’t matter anymore.