A dreamer dreams she never dies

Young Lucy was a dreamer – she believed that there was a divine plan that was set in motion the day that she was conceived. Every choice that Lucy made was already part of some great scheme in which the cause and effect was not a mystery. She could make no wrong decision because her fate was pre-determined and her future was shaped. To Lucy, this meant that everything happened for a reason, and there was something greater for this little Lucy to look forward to.

Then Lucy woke up and became a cynic or as she likes to say a “realist”. She became angry and began to question the very foundation in which she had previously based her beliefs. She began to say things like there is no God, life is random, and humans are insignificant specks on the timeline of existence. Religion is a way to control the masses; authority is not always right, trust in no one except yourself because people will always let you down. There is no “great reason” why people die, no “God” waiting for them on the other side. We control our destiny and we need to take responsibility for our actions.

And now we arrive at current day Lucy, the Lucy that is still a “realist” yet, sensitive, emotional, less hostile and more forgiving. The Lucy that still waves to people when they stop to let her cross the street, and still does favors for people knowing they won’t be returned. However, although she won’t admit it, this Lucy also lowers her expectations of people, and of herself. She is afraid of being hurt, and has built a little moat around her heart where only the bravest of souls attempt to cross. There are no second chances in this small protective bubble that she has created around herself, which makes love for her all the more difficult. This Lucy questions her self-worth more than she would like to divulge, and so a self-hatred brews deep within her soul and from this a poison vapor rises from within her and seeps into her relationships to spread its destruction.

This is the Lucy that is desperately searching for an escape from the life that is formed by destiny that she controls for the fear that if she doesn’t her self-loathing will consume her whole.

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