I Saw the Sign, and it Opened Up My Eyes. I Saw the Sign.

Since Layla and I first started talking about getting the hell out of here, everyday there has been a slew of signs encouraging me to do so.  Yes I believe in signs.  And these ones range from the enormous (jobs and men) to the teeny tiny (Buenos Aires on tv?!?).  I believe the universe is talking to me and I’m worried that if I don’t listen, next time I ask it for something it’s gonna tell me to go fuck myself.

First, there’s Work.  Ugh.  I’m positive that if given the proper training, a monkey could definitely do my job. Probably even minus the bad attitude.  Essentially, I have a lot of free time during the day to do nothing but be bitter about my atrophying brain and the dust collecting on my useless degree.  I was all settled on a plan that, come January! I’d put some serious effort into finding a new job.  Now I’ve changed my mind.  I will keep this miserable fucking job with these miserable fucking people and everyday will be a reminder of how ill-suited I am to this 9-5 office bullshit thus maintaining my motivation to escape.  Meanwhile, I can spend lots of time researching the trip, writing and generally preparing to leave.  Problem solved.

Then there’s The Ex.  In reflecting on my last relationship, I try to focus on what I have learned from it or how this experience will serve me in the future.  You know, bein’ all mature about it.  When I was with the Ex, because our life situations were so different (me: 24 and free, him: 40 and living here under questionable circumstances), I was completely conflicted over the fact that I would probably not be able to travel the world (with or without him) because  Oh my god, can’t do anything without my boyfriend! But I convinced myself that it was going to all work out and I chokedthe voice screaming, “You’re wrong! This is wrong! YOU WANT TO TRAVEL!”

Well now the voice is back and The Ex is gone and I recognize that there is no way I will ever be happy with myself if I don’t travel.  I will be incomplete.  It took almost committing to a life that would nearly prohibit travel to realize that it’s the exact opposite of what I want.  What can I say?  Sometimes I’m slow on the uptake.

There’s also The Guy.   Not a boyfriend, but a guy.  We’re not dating, just sleeping together bi-weekly.  He sends me a good morning text everyday and helps me do stuff like fix my computer before we do it.  He is good to me.  But the intellectual connection is non-existent and my emotional ties are, shall we say, loose.  And while he has grown on me tremendously since our first date, I still doubt that it will be very difficult to break things off before I leave.

I’ve been trying to make sense of this relationship since it started because it’s so bizarre.  And convenient.  And easy.  And suspicious.  I mean really, good sex and no effort?  You’d think I won the karmic lottery.  But as my escape plans are developing, it’s all getting clearer.  I am the girl who has put off traveling to be with a dude.  I hate that about myself and it’s something I’d like to change.  So I’ve deduced that this Guy is here to satisfy my daily needs (sex, need for attention/affection, etc) without all the emotional goopy grossness, so that I can spend my time worrying about something other than finding a boyfriend.  Like a trip to around the world.

Now I’m reading this book, Eat, Pray, Love.  I’m pretty sure it was a gift from God.  Like, God was just chillin’ in his pad  and was like, “You know who really needs this book?” And then he sent me a copy of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoirs, which is basically a “How to Cure Depression and Directionless by Traveling the World!” This book will serve as my Bible, my guide as I begin this little journey.  I can’t even remember the last time I was so inspired. Plus, you know, she talks about “signs” from the universe too. So like…her believing in signs is another sign that I should believe in signs…

Which brings to me to the Camera.  At the top of my list of “Items to Purchase Before Travel” (because I’m a consumer) was a camera, more specifically a camcorder.  The first time I went to Argentina I took a gazillion photos and it makes me very happy to look at them now.  I have wanted desperately to go back with some live film (I’m cheesy, leave me alone).

Well the other day, a camcorder magically found its way to me.  We’ll just say it fell..from the sky…into my eager, reachy hands.   Either way, I just saved a month’s rent and have plenty of time for someone to teach me how to use my new toy!

On top of this foundation of portents are lots of tiny little signs.  Like Buenos Aires coming up on the travel channel right after we’ve been talking about going there.   Or having access to free language software.  Or finding little souvenirs from Argentina in my purse from 5 years ago.

What this all boils down to is that for the first time, I sense that my life is leading me SOMEWHERE.  I’d be a total dick to ignore it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s